Dark.Half

As glances go,

You might not know,

Of the fiendish,diabolical self in tow.

Looks are as far as innocence goes,

Treachery and deceit are what compose,

The mind, is a dangerous thing,

Intangible, yet a terrible sting.

Taken in with a charming smile,

It is one of many a wile.

Trust not, the helping hand,

Extended with motive, it's all planned.

In everything,seeking a chance to gain,

He doesn't flinch, to inflict pain.

Subtle,manipulation, you'll never know,

To his whims and fancies, he'll make you bow.

I fear not, a raging storm or the wrath of gods,

Nor to fight, against all odds.

What i dread instead,

Is a serene face that doesn't betray,

A raging battle, between night and day.

Of many a peril that i've faced,

None so daunting,

As confronting, my mind with darkness laced.

With every doubt, a foothold he gains,

With uncertainty and fear, hope he drains.

On and on, like a vinyl song,

Until i can no longer tell,

 right from wrong.

He pushes me aside, a merciless laugh,

Rising, over-whelming, i've lost to him,

My Dark Half.

Vision.Distorted.

I am lost and yet I don’t care,
To you my secrets I lay bare.
I find myself drowning in your memory,
Like a whispering brook,
Thoughts of you, flood my head,
I need to know, but I’m too afraid to ask
I catch myself smiling now and again,
Wishing to meet you at the end of every lane.
I’m smiling all the time now,
I feel so incomplete without you, how,
I need know, but I’m too afraid to ask,
Despite so many dreams to chase,
I can’t help stop, remember your face.
I find reasons to look into your eyes,
I feel the need to think of you all the time,
I look for reasons why my mind goes in search,
Of memories that I have of you,
I need to know but I’m too afraid to ask.
I feel so warm inside,
Thinking of all the times I spent by your side.
I play with moonbeams,
Cuddle dew drops in my head.
Each dawn, since I met you,
Seems brighter than the rest.
Ur voice as soft as snow,
It drives mad why,
I need to know but I’m too afraid to ask.
I am lost and yet I don’t care,
I keep searching for answers,
But they aren’t there.
Memories of you, keep playing in my head,
Again and again, those paths I like to tread.
I act like a fool, people stare,
Filled with your thoughts I just don’t care.
I find reasons to smile now,
I’ve missed that for quiet some while now.
All of a sudden I seem to think,
Of black less than pink.
Ur smile makes my heart skip beats,
Your scent lingers faint yet so strong, why,
I need to know but I’m too afraid to ask,
I never thought I’d find myself here again
But I can’t forget your face,
I look for reasons but there aren’t any,
I need you, but I can’t take this leap again,
I need to know but I’m too afraid to ask
My heart beats faster when I catch sight of your name,
I can’t seem to trust what has happened to me,
Everytime I try to get back upon my feet,
I fall harder than the last time;
Your name seems etched in my head,
It draws itself out each time I’m down, why,
I need to know but I’m too afraid to ask.
It will take everything for me,
To trust myself with you,
I can’t seem to bring myself,
To take this leap of faith,
I am not what you think I am,
Knowing my truth will shatter you,
This fear keeps me from being with you;
I don’t have it in me to fall again,
I’m broken beyond repair.
But yet when I think of u,
I can’t pull myself back,
Everything seems so much simpler,
Life begins to look bright, why,
I need to know but I’m too afraid to ask.
Is this what I want,
I do not know,
My head is a windmill of turmoil,
To bring the darkness in me onto you,
I can’t bear.
I would only eclipse you,
With the misery that is inside of me,
Realisation dawns upon me,
I’ve got to let it be,
You deserve much more than this,
I can’t give fate a miss,
Sooner or later it shall hit,
Once before, I dreamed this dream,
I fell farther down,
Than I’ve ever been.
I thought I was too afraid to ask,
Now it dawns on me,
I don’t deserve to ask……………

God and I

It all started because of the stupid rain. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m rather fond of the rain, but today was different. It was Monday morning, I had to reach college early to try convince my principal that I wasn’t dead and the reason I missed college for the past one week was because, well I don’t know, I never got round to concocting a reason(i never got round to meeting the principal either but let me not get ahead of myself).

I managed to wake up at the break of dawn and get ready early enough, checking my watch I felt I had time for a smoke before I headed out. The first drag of nicotine felt as good as ever, I stood in the porch all but ready to leave enjoying the early morning breeze. Then the phone rang (one of these days I intend to burry the cursed thing in my backyard) it turned out to be an old acquaintance, turns out he was dropping by that evening, now I’m rather fond of having my evenings to myself, unless there’s a party involved, a party with lots of booze that is. I had to get out of this rendezvous somehow, so I told him I’d be going out of town and there was no way I could meet him for another couple of months. He whined about how badly he wanted to see me for about 10 mins, by the time he finally hung up, i was half ready to put a bullet through my own head. I checked out the time and cursed, I had 10 more minutes before the last bus to college left, blowing a hurried kiss to my canine, I started the tiresome walk, if I could flag down an auto in the street I’d probably make it, knowing my luck I know my chances were pretty screwed up.
Imagine my astonishment when I found a rickshaw right outside my lane, I should have suspected something was up by then. Me and lady luck aren’t exactly the best of pals. No sooner had the auto started, it broke down. Glancing down at my watch I saw I had 7 more minutes to make it on time, the auto driver was pretty sure he could get it started in sometime but I decided not to push it, I really had to make it to college on time for once. I started walking, strangely enough the streets were abandoned but I was in too much of a hurry to notice, I was panting by the time I covered two blocks, I vowed to cut down on the cigarettes and trudged along. An auto went by, and I noticed it was the same one I had flagged down a couple of minutes earlier, only now the back seat was occupied by a smug little kid. Lady luck should be locked up in prison. Cursing, swearing I managed to go half a block more before the strap on my back-pack broke. Can this get any worse, I thought to myself. Seems it could, as if on cue, the heavens opened up and it started pouring like a broken faucet.
Within minutes I resembled a soggy sock, the clothes which I spent half an hour ironing were ruined, I still went on, only now it was raining so heavily I could hardly see a few feet ahead of me. I managed to drop my backpack into a ditch, the few notes that I owned probably resembled a used hanky by now. I checked the time again, I still had a minute left, the only way I could make it on time was if I could magically teleport my butt into the bus as it went by. I shook my fist at the sky (my first mistake) suddenly I lost my footing and plunged headfirst into an open manhole, I closed my eyes, I’d rather not see the fall, when I opened them again, I was sitting atop a cloud.
I pinched myself. Nothing. I was still on the cloud. WTF, what’s happening here? I slapped myself. Hard. OUCH!!!!! It hurt. I looked below, only more clouds. Had I fallen into another dimension?

Of course not, I shook my head, my brain tends to over-react too much, I thought. But wait a minute, I’m sitting on a bloody cloud, I AM SUPPOSED TO OVER-REACT!!! Then another chilling possibility hit me, had I perhaps broken my neck while falling, was I dead?
“No my son, you aren’t dead” announced a serene voice behind me. I turned around and found myself face to face with, Morgan Freeman!!!! Ok, now I knew I had lost it, was I still down in the man-hole dreaming all this up in my delirium??? You aren’t crazy my child, Morgan Freeman said.
I’m dreaming, just dreaming, this isn’t true, I’ll wake up any second now.
You are not dreaming son, Freeman said. Apparently, Morgan Freeman was a mind-reader. “What the hell is happening here?” I asked Mr. Freeman. He shook is coat (he was wearing a spotless white tux, BTW, hard to notice when you’re sitting atop a cloud with , wondering whether you’ve lost your marbles. “I am not Morgan Freeman” said Morgan Freeman. “Yeah and I’m Samuel “WTF” Jackson” I retorted (my sense of sarcasm never abandons me I guess). “HAHAHAHAHA” bellowed Freeman “you always were blessed with a comic perception my boy”. His eyes were twinkling. “Ok, you tell me right now what’s happening here, who are you, if you aren’t Morgan Freeman?” I asked. Man was I freaked out.
“I, my son, am God” answered Freeman.
“What is this? A remake of Bruce Almighty?” I questioned, by now I was getting a edgy.
“No, but since this was the only image that I could find that you would closely associate with me, I chose to come before you as such” said Freeman/God, the twinkle in his eyes kept growing brighter.
Great, of all the things, my stupid brain sums up god as Morgan Freeman.
But wait a minute, now I look up all excited, “you are god??” I ask. “That’s what I said”, he replies smile growing wider “but I’m not here to grant your prayers” he answers before I can even ask. God, what a bummer, I think. “So why are you here then” I ask him “and why am I here?”
“I needed to talk to you” God says.
“To me? What about?” I ask.
“You do not believe in me?”
“Awww come on, you’re kidding right? All the atheists in the world and you found me to pick a bone with?” I ask rather disappointed.
“No my child, I wanted to talk to you about something much more important”
“What about?” I ask, now all curious.
“About 2012” God replies.
“The movie? It was pretty hilarious if you ask me” I replied.
God laughed, “Your sense of humour makes you my favourite atheist” “but of course, I’m taking about the end-of-days”.

“Damn, the Mayans, were right then?” I ask.

“Yes, they were, perhaps” God replies.
“Now see here God, if you’ve come here trying to convince me to build an ark and save Mankind and all that jazz, I’m not your guy, I say just make the end quick” I tell God.
He laughs again, “No my son, I know you well, I know you wouldn’t build a raft much less an ark even if it were to save your own ass”
“Well if it isn’t about the ark, then why are we here?” I ask.
“Quiet simply to ask you a question”
“What question?”
“Should I or should I not, end the world on the winter solstice of 2012”
“Now hang on a second” I ask totally shocked “you want me, to decide the fate of the world?”
“Yes” God answers.
“Why me?” I ask.
“Why not you” God replies.
“But….but….” I start but God interrupts, “my son, worry not the reasons for my choice, just answer my question”
“Well why would I want the world to end, let it go on”, I reply.
“Are you sure” God asks “even knowing that you have a lot of suffering ahead of you.
I gulp, for one wild moment I was tempted to say, end it but then the faces of all the people I know start coming into my head, what about my dreams of visiting Greece, I may not but it’s still a dream I nurture, what about family, what about friends, man I’m getting all emotional here, I think to myself.

“Yes you are” taunts God.

“And then I don suppose once the world ends, I’ll ever be able to smoke again” I sigh “Well don’t end the world God” I finally decide.
“So let it be” God smiles.
“Now what?” I ask God.
“Now I send you back” God answers.
“Any chance you can make sure I don’t miss the bus to college?” I ask hopefully.
“No my son, I’m afraid I cannot do that, I did warn you about the sufferings” says God “but go ahead, something else perhaps”
“OK, how about showing me your true form” I ask.
Poof! Morgan Freeman disappears and I’m looking at BRAD PITT?????!!????
“WTF” I exclaim.
“Sorry, sorry” God laughs “I just couldn’t resist” he keeps laughing.
Boy with that sense of humour, no wonder the world’s a riot, I think.
“I have no form, I’m everywhere, eternal and end, the……” I interrupt “God ummmm since you aren’t doing anything about the bus, I think I better get going” I say meekly, I didn’t want to get struck down by lightning but my Principal is a formidable woman, I wouldn’t mess with her, not even for God.
“Well, of course my Son” God says “Here you go”
Suddenly white light surrounds me and the clouds around start swirling.
“and thank you, my son, for helping me decide” I hear God call out and den POOF!!! I’m back in the street, but my back-packs ok and it isn’t raining, I check the time, God helped me after all, I got 15 minutes to reach, I catch the bus and reach college on time.
I walk up to the gates; there are not many people around. That’s weird I think, right then I hear someone calling my name, I look back to see one of my classmate running over to me. “Whatcha doing in college on a Sunday morning?” he asks me. “It’s Monday, bird-brain” I tell him. My phone buzzs announcing the arrival of a text message. “Dude, what’s wrong with you, it’s Sunday man, you stoned or something..…….” His voice drones on,i'm not listening anymore, the message is from God, it reads

“SORRY COULDN’T RESIST, LMAO ;)"

Spirit.Endure........

When dreams turn to dust.
What do you do?
When all that you ever want, crumbles in your hands.
What do you do?
When you realise what you desire the most, can never come to be.
What do you do?
When fate is sealed and misery looks you in the eye.
What do you do?
When your broken and alone and know that help will never come.
What do you do?
When the cacophony of your doom whispers in your ears.
What do you do?
When your spirit is crushed, and falls upon itself.
What do you do?
When that which you cherish, leaves you forever.
What do you do?
When stark reality, mocks you in the face.
What do you do?
When dark eternity, pulls you in.
What do you do?
When hope dies.
What do you do?
When life ceases to have meaning.
What do you do?
When breathing becomes ragged.
What do you do?
When your heartbeat becomes a burden.
What do you do?
Will you wait for death, to come end your pain?
Or will you stand up to fate and show you aren’t done.
When dreams turn to dust,
Blow it like sand.
When all that you ever want, crumbles,
Wipe it off your hand.
When you realise your desires will never come to be,
Those desires aren’t meant for thee.
When your fate is sealed and misery looks you in the eye,
Kick back and fight, don’t give up and die.
When your broken and alone and know that help will never come,
Heal yourself and in time your pain will numb.
When the cacophony of your doom, whispers in your ears,
Laugh out loud, and make yourself, doom’s worst fears.
When your spirit is crushed,
Hold on till even endurance to its limits is pushed.
When that which you cherish, leaves you forever,
Go forth and look, ties with it you can sever.
When stark reality, mocks you in the face,
Grin back and prove you can still set the pace.
When dark eternity pulls you in,
Rush into it, for in this game only those with valour win.
When hope dies,
With your prayers revive.
When life ceases to have meaning,
With your persistence define.
When breathing becomes ragged,
Look up and smile,
When your heartbeat becomes a burden,
Remember it’s for a while.
Infinite are the choices to make,
Everything that fate hands out,
There’s something more from it to take.

Shades Of Grey......

I’ve always been rather fascinated by the whole good v/s evil thing. Not surprising, considering this is the third post dealing with the subject. I’ve often wondered how it’s that we so casually categorize things as black or white. The duality with which we deal with in our lives makes me wonder, would “good” still be good if it didn’t have evil as a backdrop to highlight its pedestal?
Perhaps not, but then is everything really so simple that it can be classified as such?

Since the dawn of time, we have always had figures that represent great evil; the transition went quiet smoothly, from the biblical Lucifer, to the modern day terrorists, we were quick to assume, believe and associate these personalities as perpetrators of great darkness.
But is there a flipside to these stories as well?

Satan’s name denotes a term of hostility and antagonism; he is believed to have been one of the ruling princes of the celestial orders before his fall. It’s said he was created on the 6th day of creation, representing more of an abstract entity then an evil one, his duty was to test the integrity of humans (some job he had huh). It’s popularly believed that, Satan led the revolt against god, but little known is the fact that the revolt took place after Satan tempted Eve into eating the fruit of knowledge, a lot of stories, sub stories can be found on the subject but it boils down to this, Satan was jealous of God’s love for Adam, a jealousy that laid foundation for the cosmic battle of good and evil.
But some theologians argue that the angels who fought alongside Satan, the fallen angels to be precise did so because of purely noble reasons. God created angels in the same image as he did humans, he gave them free will and a choice to follow him or not and these angels or to be more specific the watchers, representing the four directions felt that Satan had done no wrong by granting man knowledge, it was their love for mankind that made them take up the battle against god as God built them to be irrevocably decisive as in they could never go back on their choices.
Interesting to note, the name Lucifer means “bearer of light”, the story goes that when god created man, he called forth all angels to bow before his new creation, to which Lucifer disagreed and asked quiet scathingly “should a son of fire be forced to bow before a son of clay?” Arrogant he was, I grant you that but what else can you expect???
How many of us believe today that humility serves anything? Interesting to note, the most evil character in history had his basis in good after-all, which brings me to a much closer time-line, namely right now.

Terrorism has its coils around the world and slowly putting in the squeeze; taking lives seem a more casual affair then a Saturday evening tea-party for the terrorists. Given there is no justifying what they do and how they do but what about why they do?
Religious fanatics, but what drove them to being so. The recent terror attacks were all driven by one main ideology at their core, which made them so devastatingly deadly; the perpetrators went in accepting death. What in the world can drive a man to sacrifice his own life just for the sake of hurting others? The answer would have to be, hatred so deep that the depths of it are unfathomable by you or me.
The basis for their hatred lies hidden in the atrocities they have been inflicted with in the past. These people have watched their homes burnt down, their mothers and sisters ravaged in the streets and burnt alive, all in the name of religion. Well trust me I’m not hyping any of it, you don’t have to take my word for it but the truth remains. Such are the scars on their mind, that they’d do anything and everything to avenge it. Ironic isn’t it, the people we consider inhumane monsters, rather have the same perception of us.

Not so clear is the distinction between good and evil now is it? How many of us can claim to have never toed across the line? How many of us can be absolutely have harbored no vindictive thoughts, acted without mercy and inflicted no pain on someone at some point of time? Not many, the trouble is some just run with it while others slip back and hope no one ever finds out.

McGregor in his much publicized motivational duality theory (I’ve managed to retain some crap I crammed in for my organizational behaviour paper) classified human personality into two types, type X being absolutely negative and Type Y being absolutely positive, he further pointed out that no one person could be entirely one of the two personality types, rather these two extremities form the boundaries within which we are all incorporated.

Therefore the conclusion of this rather long and tiresome post is this, none of us can just be defined in terms of black and white, we are all the quintessential grey, some darker some lighter but grey nonetheless…………….

The colour of time.........

The winds of change stir. The landscape before me merges and meshes into shapes I cannot comprehend. I stand on the threshold of change. Am I ready for it?
Those familiarities with which I had become so accustomed to slowly fade away, leaving me, apprehensive, of what lies ahead.

We grow into our surroundings, the same way a lion does to his territory.
Having to move out of this comfort zone is positively catastrophic.

My life for the past 5 years had been amazing, wrapped within this cocoon of familiarity; now on the verge of stepping into my own, I realise all that I ever took for granted were my purpose of being.

Change is inevitable- very corny, very cliché but very much true. I have been in an introspective mood lately and happen to have come to a few conclusions. Fear not dear reader, I’m not going to get all preachy and up my own ass with philosophy and the like. But for arguments sake, if I do happen to wander down that path, you just hit the back button on your browser, fair enough ;)

I happen to have come home after a long time, and perhaps this is what set off the chain of reactions in the first place. Its funny how, what once was so familiar and normal can seem alien in just a span of few years. Blame it on the evolving skyscape or progressive landscape but home doesn’t seem to be that anymore. But was it just the changed architecture? Perhaps not, I dug deeper, within myself and realised it was me who’s changed. I was a totally different person back then, with perceptions and an outlook so different, that if by some freak of nature were time reversed and I come face to face with the older/younger??? (this is why I avoid messing with the tenses) me, I’d probably be a stranger to myself, and a pretty dumb one at that.

With that, I realise, the past few years of my life haven’t been a total waste after all. As a person I’ve grown, I’ve grown more understanding, grown more patient, grown intellectually and to top it all grown several feet too (I could actually pick on the older/younger me, he was quiet puny ;)

What’s more amazing then the change though is the process of metamorphosis. Of course when you migrate to a new place, new friends, new food, blah-blah-blah, you do realise and are very much aware of it but what about the new you?

That change, the inner-one, is so stealthily subtle you have no clue when, where or how it ever happened.
The times of fun and frolic seem numbered; seriousness has finally reared its ugly head in my life. I happen to be a self-proclaimed peter-pan so this whole growing up thing is rather painful, what I wouldn’t give to spray myself with a little bit of Tinkerbell’s magic powder and take off to Neverland right now. But I’m forced by dire needs to come out of the fantasy I live in, to confront the cold reality, it’s time I start thinking about the future (previously any such thoughts would have made me go straight to the shrink).

Perhaps for the first time in my life, I’m beginning to realise, not everything is a joke after all, but what bums me, is why shouldn’t it be? Why do we have to take life so seriously when it’s so much better the other way.

When I look back now, I see the trail I’ve left behind, from a confused, over-weight geeky bookworm to a lean carefree teen, the shades in my life were always constantly changing, perhaps for the first time I've been able to perceive this change. Is it because I’m growing up(shudders) or is it simply because I’ve obtained the wisdom enough to understand life(sniggers). Either way I still have a little time before I fall into this abyss of progression, and will hold on tightly to the child inside me and hope I don’t lose him in this plunge into the unknown.

Speaking of unknown, I’m supposed to be working on some assignment(i've no clue as to what's the topic) for my next sem *sighs* some things never change......

Holy Cow!!!!!!!!!!!

I executed the perfect 360 nose dive and landed my board right on the ramp, getting more leverage I swooped down the ramp again gathering momentum, I misjudged the jump, swung too early and landed right on my head this time. Game Over flashed across the screen, Tony Hawk, had he seen me make that landing would have sued me for all I was worth. I switched off the gaming console and dug underneath the sofa for my collection of Archie’s Digest.
That had been my routine for the last few days, ever since I agreed to accompany my mom to my native village. I would spend the day cooped up inside playing games, reading comics or surfing the channels. Man was I bored.
My mother at that moment decided to add drudgery to my boredom.
“Having an amazing time, lazing around in the house all day are we” she asked me.
“Oh yeah, definitely” I replied “In fact, I think before we leave I’ll finally complete level 13 of ‘Silent Assassin’”
“I was being sarcastic” said mom, crossing her arms and staring down at me. I totally hate that look; it means she is going to get me to do something I would prefer not to.
“Why don’t you go help your cousins at the stable, they are milking the cow”
“Come-on mom” I answered rolling my eyes “enough with the sarcasm already”.
“Uh-uh Mister, I’m not asking you, I’m telling you, now get going”.
I protested for a while, but my mother is a woman who has an iron will, partly I think, she developed it raising me.
Grumbling, complaining, I traded my comfy sandals for a pair of stiff, hard-worn rubber boots and made my way out to the stables.

My cousins were rather surprised to see me out of the house, their surprise turned to shock and finally disbelief when I explained my reason for being out there.
“You wanna’ milk the cow???” one of them asked “as in, seriously?”
“I wasn’t speaking German was I” I retorted. “Oh well, what the heck, give him a jug and let’s get started”.
Now I’m not exactly afraid of cows, I mean I used to play with the calves, back when I was a kid, but let me tell you this, after spending what seems like eternity in the city, where, forget cows, seeing a sparrow would have surprised me; coming face to face with a cow, the first thing I noticed was the size of the creature. It was enormous. I mean two people could have sat on it’s back with a Chess board in the middle and there could be still some space left over to place a few drinks (that is if a chess board could be balanced on the back, or whether the cow would allow two people to sit on it’s back, either way I wasn’t going to try).

After getting the preliminary instructions and a few demonstrations by my over-eager cousins, I felt I knew, all there was to know about milking a cow.
I approached the beast commissioned to me cautiously. No sooner had I bent down and splashed the udders with water, the cow growled (I swear on my life, it growled; I mean I know technically a cow can’t growl, but I this one did) I was out of the stables like a cork out of a champagne bottle. My cousins, when I ventured back inside were all overcome by fits of howling laughter. “Let them laugh” thought I. A bruised ego is better than a broken jaw. Declining further offers, I sat and observed as my cousins milked it with a carefree attitude.
After that, we all went in for breakfast. Now breakfast here is a noisy affair, and not to mention a caffeine overdose. There’s coffee before breakfast, a cup afterwards, I’m surprised they don’t pour it all over the breakfast too.
The rest of the day, I returned to my normal routine but the cow was on the back of my mind.



The next day, I made my way out to the stables again. My cousins were surprised, “you want to try again?” one of them asked “you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure” I replied.
Once again a jar was thrust into my hand and I went over to the beast. It surveyed me with lazy eyes; I swear it was laughing at me. This time however, I didn’t scramble as soon as I heard it Moo. I stuck to my task and after 30 painfully slow minutes, I had a jug of milk. I wouldn’t have been happier had I held a Nobel Prize. I carried a jug over to the kitchen and insisted the coffee be made for me using that milk only.
The coffee that day, tasted heavenly.
It became a routine with me everyday and surprising myself I actually got quiet good at the job.

Finally, the day came to get back to the city, I was rather sad to leave.
After bidding everyone else good bye, I made my way to the stables and fed the cow some chocolate, it had grown to be one of my best friends.

So what now?
Well I did learn to milk a cow but I’m yet to complete level 13 of ‘Silent Assassin’