There is no more a distasteful situation then when you’re an unwilling guest at a family gathering. Last monsoon, I had been selected to represent my parents at such a scenario (my dad insisted on drawing straws and it was my mom who drew the shortest one, but she recalled I owed her a favor for getting me off the hook with my dad over last terms progress card) so there I was on the edge of the mine-field.
Tentatively, I entered the arena; a great many numbers of my gladiator cousins had already been ripped apart by the barbarian hordes of aunts and uncles and sat looking dejected at their predicament. The only people who looked even distantly happy there were’ the ones who weren’t family. Uttering a blessing for all those poor souls, I vowed to myself that I would fight as hard as I could to avoid such a fate.
I safely managed to avoid most of the action by placing myself strategically behind the water cooler, every time I was close to encountering some nosy aunt or pestering uncle, I would hold up the glass and pretend as if nothing in the world existed except me and that Styrofoam cup (those drama classes finally paid off) and avoid scrutiny.
But, alas I had to flee my safe haven when I spotted an especially notorious and obstinate aunt of mine heading towards me determined to make sure I didn’t get out of this. Taking cover behind drapes and sheets, I finally managed to get away from the main hall and headed out to find a safe retreat until lunch, after which I cold politely get the hell out of there.
Congratulating myself upon having escaped a convoy of rather drunk uncles who were making their way into the main hall, I heard a small cough behind me.
My jubilation had been premature, I found the aunt with the rather infamous reputation, her beady eyes staring down at me with a superior smirk, one the cat probably wears when he knows the rodent no longer has an escape. That’s exactly what I felt like right then, a cornered rat.
***********
“So your mother finds it rather tiresome to come here, does she?” she questioned. After having interrogated me pretty thoroughly, I thought the answer to the question was rather obvious, but this female derived sadistic pleasure, in making others state the despicable obvious.
“It’s not like that” I replied, feeling my maternal loyalty was being called upon.
I was saved the trouble of inventing a plausible reason for my mother’s absence by the arrival of another aunt; my good fortune provided that these two didn’t exactly get along like butter and bread. If the verbal sparing these two ladies were to take on a physical form, what would emerge was a fencing match of no equal proportions. The dexterity, with which these to ladies showered hostilities upon each other, all the while making it seem, that they had nothing but the best interests of the other at heart, was amazing. Shakespeare, had he been there would have been moved to tears by the sheer display of drama.
While they were distracted with each other, I managed make my escape and spent the time till lunch looking over shoulders, making sure I wasn’t caught unawares like the last time.
After three hours and stiff back I got from perching myself on the parapet; I finally decided it was time to vamoose.
Moving quickly I made my way out in record time and I was just steps away from freedom, when I heard someone calling my name.
I turned around to find my cousin hurrying up to catch up with me, her heels, I could see, made each step pure torture, I have never been able to understand the female obsession with heels.
“Now what do you want?” I asked.
*****************
“How did it go?” my mom asked when I got back.
“Oh, not bad” I replied, a wide smile on my face.
“I’m really sorry for making you go……..” my mom started but I cut in and informed her that I would be glad to attend any such function in the future, pleading exhaustion I excused myself from further questioning and went upstairs to hit the bed.
I had to get a good night’s sleep and wake up early tomorrow.
I had a date with my cuz’s hot friend ;)
Tentatively, I entered the arena; a great many numbers of my gladiator cousins had already been ripped apart by the barbarian hordes of aunts and uncles and sat looking dejected at their predicament. The only people who looked even distantly happy there were’ the ones who weren’t family. Uttering a blessing for all those poor souls, I vowed to myself that I would fight as hard as I could to avoid such a fate.
I safely managed to avoid most of the action by placing myself strategically behind the water cooler, every time I was close to encountering some nosy aunt or pestering uncle, I would hold up the glass and pretend as if nothing in the world existed except me and that Styrofoam cup (those drama classes finally paid off) and avoid scrutiny.
But, alas I had to flee my safe haven when I spotted an especially notorious and obstinate aunt of mine heading towards me determined to make sure I didn’t get out of this. Taking cover behind drapes and sheets, I finally managed to get away from the main hall and headed out to find a safe retreat until lunch, after which I cold politely get the hell out of there.
Congratulating myself upon having escaped a convoy of rather drunk uncles who were making their way into the main hall, I heard a small cough behind me.
My jubilation had been premature, I found the aunt with the rather infamous reputation, her beady eyes staring down at me with a superior smirk, one the cat probably wears when he knows the rodent no longer has an escape. That’s exactly what I felt like right then, a cornered rat.
***********
“So your mother finds it rather tiresome to come here, does she?” she questioned. After having interrogated me pretty thoroughly, I thought the answer to the question was rather obvious, but this female derived sadistic pleasure, in making others state the despicable obvious.
“It’s not like that” I replied, feeling my maternal loyalty was being called upon.
I was saved the trouble of inventing a plausible reason for my mother’s absence by the arrival of another aunt; my good fortune provided that these two didn’t exactly get along like butter and bread. If the verbal sparing these two ladies were to take on a physical form, what would emerge was a fencing match of no equal proportions. The dexterity, with which these to ladies showered hostilities upon each other, all the while making it seem, that they had nothing but the best interests of the other at heart, was amazing. Shakespeare, had he been there would have been moved to tears by the sheer display of drama.
While they were distracted with each other, I managed make my escape and spent the time till lunch looking over shoulders, making sure I wasn’t caught unawares like the last time.
After three hours and stiff back I got from perching myself on the parapet; I finally decided it was time to vamoose.
Moving quickly I made my way out in record time and I was just steps away from freedom, when I heard someone calling my name.
I turned around to find my cousin hurrying up to catch up with me, her heels, I could see, made each step pure torture, I have never been able to understand the female obsession with heels.
“Now what do you want?” I asked.
*****************
“How did it go?” my mom asked when I got back.
“Oh, not bad” I replied, a wide smile on my face.
“I’m really sorry for making you go……..” my mom started but I cut in and informed her that I would be glad to attend any such function in the future, pleading exhaustion I excused myself from further questioning and went upstairs to hit the bed.
I had to get a good night’s sleep and wake up early tomorrow.
I had a date with my cuz’s hot friend ;)
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